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Hana and Zakari Present! (Volume 53)

Cast of Characters
KAT-TUN
Kamenashi (Kame): High-strung, anal, has anger management issues
Akanishi (Jin): Huge baka
Taguchi (Junno): Cheerfully masochistic, eager to please, clueless, magic
Tanaka (Koki): Cheerfully sadistic (but only with Taguchi), likes to rap and wear Jesus bling
Ueda: Evil, sarcastic, secretly has a dungeon in his basement
Nakamaru (Maru): The (semi) normal one

NEWS
Koyama: Cheerful, optimistic, member-ai obsessed
Shige: Serious, intelligent, pessimistic, devious
Tegoshi: Cheerful, friendly, secretly rules the world
Massu: Always has gyoza in his mouth; no one can understand what he says except Tegoshi and Koyama
Ryo: Sarcastic, sharp-tongued, short-tempered, easily undone by an innocent look and a cute smile
Pi: The (semi) normal one

Kanjani8
Subaru: Red ranger, magic, likes to instigate
Yoko: Black ranger, not magic, likes to instigate
Maruyama (Orange): Orange ranger, enthusiastic, eager
Hina: Purple ranger, sarcastic, irreverent
Ryo: Yellow ranger (and see above under NEWS)

Hana and Zakari Present!
The Return of SFHD


It's the BOSS's birthday and SFHD have a command performance for the celebration.



8:00 am, KAT-TUN practice room

KAT-TUN Manager: *with no enthusiasm* gather around everyone. Big announcement. Hurry up. Hurry up.
Junno: Manager-san do you have the gloomy bug? You seem more down than usual. I can fix that you know.
KAT-TUN Manager: NO! no no Junno -kun. I'm fine. Just lots of things to do and all. Where is Ueda?
Random Junior: Here.
Kame: Kid, you are not Ueda.
Random Junior: I know. I'm his proxy.
KAT-TUN Manager: Proxy.
Random Junior: Yes sir. A proxy is-
KAT-TUN Manager: I know what a proxy is. Why are you here instead of him?
Random Junior: He said he doesn't want to come to these stupid meetings anymore because nothing gets done. Plus he threatened to beat me up. And he said he'd beat up my mom.
Jin: *runs in* I'm here! I'm here!!
Maru: And you are late.
Jin: Barely sort of. Where is Ueda? Junno, did you turn Ueda into this kid?
Junno: No of course not. I wouldn't do that.
Random Junior: Akanishi Senpai, I'm-
Jin: Yeah don't really care.
Koki: He's Ueda's Proxy.
Jin: Proxy? Is that like an evil cyborg twin or something?
KAT-TUN Manager: I'll explain it later. Let's just get down to business. Kid, take notes. Ueda is going to need to know this.
Random Junior: My name is-
KAT-TUN Manager: *interrupts* As you all know, THE BOSS's birthday is coming up in a few days and every act has to perform. This year, each group picks a song for another group. What group did you get?
Kame: We got Hey!Say!Jump.
Random Junior: *pulls out a piece of paper and reads* We should pick that they don't perform.
Koki: Ueda gave you notes huh?
Random Junior: Yeah he did.
Kame: ACTUALLY we told them to sing their first single.
Maru: We don't know the name of the song. We just figured calling it the first single was safe.
KAT-TUN Manager: *SIGH* I see. Well SMAP got you. They chose *pulls out an envelope and opens it* an SHFD song.
Kame: WHAT????? No freakin way!
Maru: I can't go through that again!!!

Jin: I can! I still have my glasses and briefcase, and I have been learning new smart words just in case!
Junno: Like what, Jin-Jin?
Jin: Like, "wunderkind."
Koki: Wonder Kid?
Jin: Wunderkind. It's from a German word. It means one who achieves success or acclaim during youth. As in me!
Junno: And me!
Jin: Not you.
Junno: Awww.
Maru: Anyway, no way are we doing that again.
KAT-TUN Manager: Actually, yes you are. NEWS have already been informed.
Kame: What did Ryo say?
KAT-TUN Manager: It can't be repeated in polite company.
Koki: No one in here's polite, just tell us.
Junno: I'm polite! My Mom says I'm the sweetest, cutest, politest boy ever born on the face of the planet.
Everyone: *is quiet*
Maru: No applicable notes in your pile, there, proxy?
Jin: Yeah, Ueda definitely would have had something to say to that.
Random Junior: *shuffles through his notes* Umm... Ah! Yes. Err... "Leave your brain to science. Maybe they can find a cure for it."
Maru: HA!
Jin: I don't get it.

Koyama: *runs in* Did you guys see Shige come this way?
Koki: Nope. Haven't seen him.
Maru: Guess he didn't take the news so well did he?
Koyama: Not really. He ran out mumbling to himself. I don't know what language he was speaking though. It didn't sound like Japanese.
Junno: Maybe it was Gurglian language from the 789789th dimension.
Jin: How would he know that? Is Web Shige magical too?
Kame: Oh brother. Koyama we'll let you know if we see him.
Massu: *runs in* Mmmmph mmph mmmph mmmph mmmmmmph mmmph!
Koyama: Thank goodness you found him! But why would he be laying in the fetal position crying on the roof? SFHD getting back together is great news!
Everyone: *looks to Random Junior for a comeback*
Random Junior: Uh- *searches the notes* Shut up all of you or I will punch you into next week.
Maru: That's not a very good comeback kid. *to the manager* Does this mean we have to go back to SFHD roles? Please say no. I haven't got the horror of Pi being the beatbox guy out of my head.
KAT-TUN Manager: *looks up from his phone* Huh? Oh, no. You'll just be yourselves * to himself* for whatever that's worth.
Junno: What are we worth? 1 million yen? 10 million dollars? 100 million pesos? 1 billion euros?
Jin: Pesos? Euros? Are they magical currency or something?

KAT-TUN Manager: What?
Maru: It's best just to go with it. Yes, Jin, they're magical. Right, Junno? *wink, wink*
Junno: Do you have something in your eye?
Maru: *sigh* Never mind.
KAT-TUN Manager: So, get together with the rest of your supergroup and pick one of your songs. SMAP-san-tachi said they didn't care which one.
Kame: I bet they don't know any of them.
Koki: They probably just picked SFHD as a prank of us.
KAT-TUN Manager: Probably, but that's not my problem. Have fun! I'm off. *leaves*
Koyama: I will go get Shige and text everyone to meet here! BBS! *leaves*
Kame: Did he seriously just say BBS?
Jin: What's beebee hess?
Random Junior: No, BBS. It's net-speak.
Jin: Net-speak? That's crazy-talk. Nets don't talk.
Junno: They do if they're--
Koki: Yes, yes, magical nets from the something-ith dimension. We get it, already.
Junno: Is Koki-kun jealous? I can make you magical for 30 minutes if you want.
Koki: Really! Then--
Kame: NO. No one is allowed to be made magical for any period of time. EVER.
Koki and Junno: Awwww.
Jin: Is anyone ever going to tell me what the net said?

Kame: It said to shut up and think about what song you want to sing.
Jin: Why would it say that? That's mean.
Maru: I don't even remember any of the SFHD songs.
Koki: I think you blocked them out.
Maru: And for good reason. I hope the nightmares don't start again. *shivers*
Random Junior: *calls Ueda* Hello sir. No you were right to not come in. It is worse than you feared. No, there's no magic but there is something called SFHD. *pulls the phone away from his ear* Please calm down sir. I don't think you have to act cute. Manager-san said you have to just be yourself. Well, SMAP-san said- Well ok. See you soon sir. *hangs up*
Kame: Is Ueda actually coming in.
Random Junior: Yes. He said he has to do whatever SMAP-san said and he can't avoid it even though he'd rather be best friends with that idiot big nose from Osaka than be in SFHD ever again.
Koyama: *comes back in dragging Shige* Where is everyone? i told them to come over here in 5 minutes. Oh, hi Kento-kun. Why are you here?
Random Junior: I'm Ueda's proxy.
Jin: Kento? Who's Kento? I thought his name was kid.
Junno: Me too.
Koyama: I'm so shocked at you guys! How can you not know who the juniors are! This is Kento. He's in Hip Hop Jump. Maru, I'm most surprised at you.
Koki: Well he is pretty good at failing so this just one more thing he failed at.
Koyama: And what about Koki? He's in the same group as your brother!
Koki: Really? Huh. I had no idea. What's up Kento? Be nice to Juri or I'll punch you!
Random Junior: *sigh* Yes sir.

Pi: *comes in* Yo.
Ryo: *comes in, sulking*
Tegoshi: *bounces in* Hi!
Massu: *comes in* Mmmph!
Junno: Hi, NEWS! What's news? Haha!
Koki: I don't even get it but I'm still going to kick you. *kicks him*
Junno: Ow, haha, thanks! It's like, what's new, but I said what's NEWS because of their name!
Koki: Ugh, that deserves two kicks.
Ryo: Don't give him the satisfaction.
Junno: Awww. What's wrong, Ryo-chan? Are you in a bad mood?
Ryo: Do not call me that. And of course I'm in a bad mood! Why would I be happy about this?
Tegoshi: Come on, Ryo-chan. Look on the bright side. We get to send quality time with our friends doing what we love the best!
Massu: Mmmmph!
Ryo: Killing them?
Ueda: *comes in* No, I looked into that. It's against the law for some unknown reason.
Junno: Uepi! Good morning!
Ueda: Shut it. Proxy, you may leave.
Random Junior: Yes, sir. Bye, sirs.
Koyama: Goobye, Kenta! Tell Juri and the others we said hello!
Kame: Ha, you don't know their names, either!
Koyama: That is, tell Juri, Keigo, Jesse, Shoki, and Rikito we said hello!
Pi: You just got PWNed, Shuuuuuji.
Kame: Shut up.

Jin: I'm confused.
Ryo: And the sky is blue.
Jin: *ignores Ryo* How did News get SHFD too? Didn't they have a group pick for them or do they have to do both?
Pi: Arashi picked for us and they also picked SHFD.
Shige: It's probably a conspiracy. They thought of this together. Our Senpais hate us!
Massu: Mmmph mmmmph mmmmph mmmh. mmmph mmph mph mmmmph mmmmph.
Koyama: Massu you have a such a great positive attitude! That's the best way to look at it! Doesn't everyone get tired of hearing the same songs over and over and over?
Ueda: No but I am tired of hearing your voice over and over and over.
Ryo: HEY! Don't say mean things to Koyama.
Pi: Yeah he's like the mom of News.
Maru: Does that make Shige your dad then?
NEWS Manager: *comes in* Oh there you are all. I guess everyone has heard the news. I'm actually kind of excited! This is going to be fun. Have you all decided what song you want to sing?
Koki: Don't we actually only have one song? That Horizons one?
NEWS Manager: Oh well I guess so. But you don't want to sing that song do you?
Junno: OH! OH! OH! I have an idea!!!
Ryo and Ueda: *hide behind the couch*
Junno: Come out sillys! This doesn't even involved the 58th dimension, "The dimension of scary ideas". We should write our own song! All of us together! It will be fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnn!
NEWS Manager: Junno-kun! What a great idea! Let's do that.
Kame: Don't we get to vote?
NEWS Manager: *makes a scary face* This isn't a democracy. *back to normal* Well you all come up with a great song! I want to hear it soon! Come on Sato-san, let's go get lunch.
KAT-TUN Manager: *wakes up* What? The meeting's over. Ok. *to KAT-TUN* just don't kill each other. *leaves with NEWS Manager*
Ryo: This has been the worst day of my sexy life.
Jin: What does K8 have to do?
Ryo: It's too embarrassing to say.
Subaru: *poofs in* We have to do a Lady Gaga medley
Yoko: *poofs in* in full costume
Ueda: BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Maru: I can't see. I can't see. Koki. I'm blind Koki! I'm blind.
Yoko: That's mean. Yasu said I looked pretty good and I captured the essence of Gaga.
Subaru: Oh brother. Yellow, we need you for rehearsal now. The only costumes left are the meat dress or a metal bikini.
Ryo: I'm not wearing a meat dress. Okura would try to eat me. Not to mention Massu.
Massu: Mmmph mmph mmmph mmmph!
Tegoshi: yeah, but it's raw.
Massu: mmph mmph mmmmmph mmmmph mmmph mmph mmph!
Tegoshi: I don't really think that's safe. You'd set him on fire. Maybe wait until he took it off.
Ryo: Ok whatever. Bye losers. *poofs out with Subaru and Yoko*
Junno: So let's start song writing! Who has an idea?
Everyone else: ...
Ueda: Why don't we write about how much this song is going to suck. I'll start. *sings* I'm stuck with a bunch of crazy idiots. Writing a stupid song that's gonna suck.
Tegoshi: That doesn't even rhyme.
Massu: mmmmmph mmmmph mmmmmph mmmmph mmmmmph mmmph.
Koyama: A song about gyoza? Hmmm. It could be the follow up to Miso Soup.
Kame: No songs about food. Let's write about spring or something like that. Or girls. Or something.

Jin: I am an expert at writing songs. Leave it to me. So, we agree our topic is spring or girls or something?
Junno: Right!
Kame: And no food.
Tegoshi: And it has to rhyme.
Jin: No problem. Let's see. Girl it's spring and you know what that means. Everything's green and there's flowers on the trees.
Maru: That's not half bad.
Koki: Keep going!
Pi: Is anyone writing this down?
Jin: It's all in my head, don't worry.
Shige: *sigh* I'll type it. *takes out his laptop*
Kame: Whoa, when did you get here?
Shige: Ages ago, Koyama texted me to come.
Koki: Dang, make some noise or something! What are you, a ninja?
Koyama: Oooo, that would be cool!
Maru: Ack, you too! Have you been here the whole time?
Koyama: ... mostly?
Jin: ANYWAY. Where was I?
Shige: Flowers on the trees.
Jin: Right, right. Okay. Let me teach you about the birds and the bees. Let's do something. There.
Koki: I like it!
Ueda: You would.
Junno: Why doesn't she know about birds and bees? Doesn't everyone?
Shige: ... Is he serious?
Koki: *whispers in Junno's ear*
Junno: Euw, dirty!
Ueda: With you, yes, it would be.

Junno: Can't the song just be about frolicking in the meadows of the 700045th dimension? They are lovely this time of year. They are a most awesome shade of purple and there's none of *shivers* that gross stuff.
Kame: No songs about crazy dimensions either.
Junno: But the 700045th dimension is such a nice place. It's not crazy at all. The 700046th dimension, well that's a different story. That's the craziest place.
Jin: ANYWAY, can I get back to my song writing?
Kame: Let someone in News write part of it now.
Jin: Why?????
Kame: Because I said so that's why.
Jin: You aren't the boss of me.
Kame: Yes I am. *pulls out his boss of jin card*
Jin: Dang it! Why would anyone give him that card.
Koki: Manager-san said someone had to be the boss of you.
Tegoshi: Let me try. *writes* Girl ever since I saw you standing there I knew you were the one. Come on girl, let's go have some fun. We can go watch the leaves fall off the Sakura trees while I teach you about he birds and the bees. Girl, let's do something.

Maru: That works.
Jin: Hmph. Mine was better.
Massu: Mmph mmmph mmmph mmph mmmph. Mmmph mmph?
Tegoshi: Yes, I agree. He can't help it.
Tegoshi and Massu: *give Jin looks of pity*
Jin: Why are they looking at me like that?
Junno: Well, they can't see you unless they look, can they?
Jin: Well, that's true. And everyone loves to look at me because I'm so awesomely gorgeous.
Junno: Oh, um... Sure.
Maru: Nice one, Junno.
Junno: Thanks!
Jin: What?
Junno: I said thanks for letting me look at you.
Jin: You're welcome!
Koki: ANYWAY. We need a rap now. Let's see. Birds and the bees, hope we don't get fleas. Doin' it doggie style, yeah yeah yeah. Baby. BLAH.
Shige: ... I want to go home.

Maru: You forgot the part about the tiger.
Koki: What?
Maru: The tiger and you didn't spell Joker once. Not your best work.
Koki: Oh yeah. Let me try that again. J-O-K-E-R. Birds and the bees, hope we don't fleas. Doin' it doggie style, yeah yeah yeah and a tiger baby. BLAH J-O-K-E-R. SFHD. In da house!
Junno: Yay Koki! That was so good!!!
Shige: *SIGH* I should have taken the bar like my grandmother told me to.
Kame: more like we should just go to a bar.
Jin: Anyway, what about the song? Will be mine or Tego bears'?
Pi: Tego bear?
Jin: Don't question my nicknaming genius Pi ji.
Kame: Here's an idea. Why don't we use yours for verse one and Tegoshi's for verse two?
Jin: Oh yeah. I guess that works. As long as mine is first!
Ueda: Does it really matter who is first? It will all suck in the end anyway.

Kame: Just flip a coin. *takes out a coin* Tegoshi, call it in the air.
Jin: But why-
Kame: *look of death*
Jin: Eep!
Tegoshi: Heads
Kame: *flips coin* it's tails. Look Jin, you actually won.
Jin: YAY!!! I won! I won! *does the cabbage patch*
Ueda: Please don't do that ever again or I will have to beat you up. It's taking all my will power not to kick your butt right now.
Maru: Anyway, shouldn't we practice or something?
Junno: Oh! Maru and I will choreograph a dance! Come on Maru!
Maru: I don't think that's such a good idea. I am a horrible dancer. Ask Massu.
Junno: He can help too! But remember what Ayumi-san said about how cute your-
Jin: Ayumi said what?
Maru: *covers Junno's mouth* Nothing! Nothing! Let's go Junno and Massu! We have a dance to make.

Massu: Mmmph mmmph mmmph?
Junno: I'll tell you later. Let's go to NEWS's practice room.
Kame: In the meantime, we should figure out who has what parts. We need to divide the leads and nail down the harmonies.
Jin: I sing lead because I wrote it. Problem solved.
Tegoshi: I wrote it, too. Does that make me second lead?
Jin: Well... I guess.
Tegoshi: I don't want to be second lead.
Jin: Well, good. Just me, then. Problem solved.
Ryo: *poof, appears* I think not.
Koki: Whoa, what the-?!
Ryo: Everyone who wants Bakanishi to have the only lead vocals, raise your hands.
Jin: *raises his hand*
Ryo: Right. You're outvoted. Problem solved.
Jin: Pout.
Shige: Did he just say "pout"?
Jin: I'm being ironic.
Koyama: Let's vote! *whips out a notebook and pen* Who wants lead vocals, raise your hands!
Jin, Ryo, Kame, and Pi: *raise their hands*
Koyama: Oooookay. I have written down your names. Now, everyone, close your eyes! I will call out each name, and everyone will raise your hand if you want that person to have a lead vocal. Okay?
Jin: How will you count hands if your eyes are closed?
Ryo: His eyes won't be closed, you moron. He's the judge.
Jin: Who died and made him judge?
Koyama: Don't talk about death! *eyes start to get wet*
Shige: Yes, please don't. Massu K-I-L-L-E-D a B-U-G the other day and he sobbed for three hours.
Jin: Massu what a what? Say that again, slower.
Ueda: Never mind, Let's just get this over with. Everyone close your eyes. Now.
Jin: But Koy--
Ueda: Everyone EXCEPT KOYAMA, dammit!
Jin: Fine!
Everyone except Koyama: *closes their eyes*
Koyama: Jin!
Jin: *opens his eyes* What?
Everyone else: CLOSE YOUR EYES!!!
Jin: Damn, okay! *closes his eyes*
Koyama: Everyone who wants Jin to have a lead vocal, raise your hands. ... Ooookay, got it. Now, Kame!
Jin: Wait, did I win?
Ueda: Argh, I am going to punch him!
Kama: No punching, please. As much as I hate to admit it, we need his face intact. The fans like his face.
Ueda: There are other places I can punch.
Jin: *covers his crotch*

Ueda: *opens his eyes* this is stupid. We all know Tegoshi should just sing the stupid song.
Koyama: but - but- I was going in alphabetical order.
Ueda: *ignores him* everyone who wants Tegoshi to be lead vocalist and not get punched raise your hand.
Everyone: *raises hands*
Ueda: There. Solved.
Koyama: but the order-
Shige: *pats Koyama on the back* There there. It will be ok. Why don't I buy you some ice cream after this. Will that make you feel better?
Koyama: *sniffle* Only if I can have sprinkles this time.
Shige: But they cost 500 extra yen - ok, ok. Sprinkles it is.
Koyama: And hot fudge?
Tegoshi: We all should go to celebrate. This is going to be sooo fun!!
Ryo: Shige's treating.
Shige: But - but I only have 10,000 yen!
Koki: They take cards too, so you'll be fine!
Shige: I guess. My poor bank account is sad now.

Junno, Maru, and Massu: *come back in*
Junno: We have our choreography! It's gonna be great!
Maru: It's gonna be totally uncoordinated.
Massu: Mmmph mmmmph.
Junno: I don't think we're that bad.
Koki: We are.
Shige: Totally.
Kame: Despite my best efforts.
Jin: It's a good thing I'm so handsome and talented or we'd be screwed.
Junno: You mean we, right? We're all so handsome and talented!
Jin: ...
Koyama: Right!
Jin: Errr... sure.
Ryo, Ueda, and Jin: *roll their eyes*
Junno: Look at this part Massu came up with! *does a complicated pop & lock dance move with flipping and stuff*
Koki: ...whoa.
Massu: Mmmps mmph mmph mmmph.
Tegoshi: Oh, good, I thought we all had to do that!
Maru: No way. We're not all as crazy as Junno, you know.
Junno: Huh? *sad, bewildered puppy eyes*
Maru: Errr... as crazy-talented at dancing, I mean.
Junno: Oh! Aww, Maru, thanks! *hugs him*
Jin: ANYWAY. I want ice cream. I need it to deal with the crushing disappointment of not being the only lead.
Junno: Ice cream???
Koyama: Shige is treating us! Isn't he the best ever?!?!?!?
Junno: Yaaay! Three cheers for Shige! Hip hip hooraaaay!
Junno and Koyama: Hip hip Horaaaay! Hip hip horaaaay!
Ryo: Someone shoot me now.
Ueda: That can be arranged.

Kame: Alright, let me just go tell manager-san that we have our song almost ready. I'll be right back. *leaves*
Jin: ... Okay, lets go.
Junno: Wait, aren't we waiting for Kame-chan?
Jin: Why?
Pi: Because Shuuuuuuuuuuuuuji likes ice cream too!
Tegoshi: And it's the right thing to do.
Jin: Whatever, I'm out. Who's with me? *inches toward the door*
Ryo: Can't argue with that. Let's go.
Junno: But we can't! It will totally mess up my karma.
Shige: There's no such thing, don't worry about it.
Junno: There is, too. The karma counters in the 3,973th dimension keep track very closely. This is worth at least 800 negative karma points.
Shige: ...Oh.
Maru: Do they count karma for, um... you know... us?
Ryo: Non-weirdos?
Voice of Subaru: I heard that, Yellow. Punishment number 29 later.
Ryo: NOOOO!
Voice of Yoko: Cool, I'll butter the muffins and make sure we have batteries.
Koki: ...what?
Tegoshi: I'm pretty sure we don't want to know.
Massu: Mmmph.
Kame: *comes back in* Hey, guys, ummm...
Maru: Ummm? That doesn't sound good.
Kame: Well, it's both good and bad.
Shige: What's the bad news?
Kame: News of SFHD's reunion leaked, the fans all know, and we're now an official supergroup. We have to do a CD and concert tour.
Ryo: NOOOOOO!
Maru: What's the good news?
Kame: The BOSS finally agreed to change our health plan! The new one will cover massages and spa visits as long as they're prescribed by a doctor. Isn't that wonderful?
Everyone else: ...

Koyama: Will we be SHFD forever?
Kame: Um well I think it's only for this one -
Shige: *covers Kame's mouth* What he means is um yes it is forever and ever.
Koyama: Really????? Yay!!!! I'm going to go call my mom and tell her. *leaves*
Kame: What the french toast? Don't put your dirty hands on my mouth!!!
Shige: Sorry. I had to.
Pi: Seriously. Koyama is very sensitive about things like this. He cried for four months after Horizons was cancelled. He thought NEWS was going to break up when I went on my concert tour.
Shige: He moved into my apartment for 2 weeks after that.
Ueda: Aren't you two married? Why don't you live together? Trouble in paradise?
Ryo: Can we get back to how much this is going to suck? We don't have to write our own songs do we?
Kame: Oh! That's the other good news. We don't have to go back to our old roles or write our own songs. Someone else will write them for us. The other bad news is we have to use Arashi's hand me down costumes.
Maru: But I look like Big Bird when I wear feathers!
Koki: yeah feathers aren't gangsta.
Kame: HE said we had to so that's the final word. We almost got our own costumes made but someone had to make the costume girl mad at us.
Jin: What? She did have a big butt. You all saw it! That thing was HUGE!
Koki: Yeah but you didn't have to say it out loud and you certainly didn't have to compare it to the Great Wall of China. You know they can't actually see the Great Wall from space either.
Tegoshi: Can't Yasu make our costumes? He's good at stuff like that.
Massu: Mmmmph mmmph mmmph mmmmph mmph mmmmph mmmph.
Tegoshi: True. I don't think rainbow puke would look good on anyone.

Jin: Wait a minute. If someone else is writing all of our songs, what about the brilliance I just came up with?
Massu: Mmmph mmph mmmmph mmmph?
Kame: I have no idea what Massu just said, but I did tell THE BOSS we had written a song for his birthday celebration, so he said we could perform it. If it's good enough, it'll be on our CD.
Jin: Whew. I did not want my genius to go to waste.
Junno: Aww, Jin-Jin, we always appreciate your brilliance!
Ryo: He's being sarcastic, right?
Koki: Junno is never sarcastic.
Pi: Never? At all?
Ueda: Like he could pull it off.
Junno: I can, too! Look. No, I do NOT like candy and babies. Phshaw.
Ryo: ... Wow.
Ueda: See?
Junno: What? That was so sarcastic!
Tegoshi: I don't think that word means what you think it means.

The night of the event
Maru: I really think I'm going to be sick.
Koki: Well there's a trash can over there.
Massu: Mmmmph mmmmph mmmmph mmmph mmmph.
Tegoshi: No I think the trash can is better. Otherwise, he'd be electrocuted.
Kame: Ssssh! It's starting.

Subaru: *poof* Hello and welcome to THE BOSS's birthday celebration. I'm your host Subaru and this is my co-host Maruyama aka Orange. *waits for Maru to appear* Maru? Maru what are you doing? Do you want punishment #17?
Orange: *runs onto stage* PAAAAAAAAAANNNN!!! Here I am. Sorry for the delay. I think I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque!
Hina: *comes on stage and hits Maruyama on the head then leaves*
Orange: *grin*
Subaru: Anyway, let's get started. Our first act tonight is V6 performing KAT-TUN's classic hit "Real Face"
*V6 comes out and performs*

Backstage
Kame: I need to join V6
YamaPi: Why Shhhhhuuuuujjjjii?
Junno: I know! I know! It's because they actually know the dance and perform it together right?
Kame: Yup that's it.
Junno: Can I have a cookie?
Ueda: If you don't shut it, I'm going to give you a knuckle sandwich.
Junno: You know, in the 679879th dimension, knuckle sand-
Koki: *puts his hand over Junno's mouth*
Ueda: *glare*

On stage as V6 finishes
Subaru: That was V6 give them a hand. Not literally Orange. I already know what you are thinking.
Orange: *grin* Hey Subaru-san you want to know what the fruit version of that song would be?

Backstage
Everyone (except Junno): Don't say what. Don't say what!
Junno: This is a good one! I love this joke

On stage
Subaru: What?
Orange: Peel face! Get it? Peel face!

Backstage
Junno: HAHAHA!
Koki: *twitches*
Junno: It's okay, Koki-kun. Go ahead.
Koki: *kicks him*
Junno: Thanks!

On stage
Subaru: Next we have TOKIO, performing NEWS's hit, "Weeeeek." Let's hear it for TOKIO!
Orange: It! Get it? You said--
Subaru: Yes, yes. Let's go. *drags him offstage*
Orange: *being dragged* PAAAAAAAN!
*TOKIO comes out and performs*

Backstage
Maru: It's the Guru! Move, I can't see!!
Koki: Guru?
Hina: Of fail.
Koki: Oh, right. Where?
Shige: Wait, who's the Guru?
Ryo: Aren't you in that club? How do you not know who the guru is?
Tegoshi: Because our Shige is a natural at failing, naturally.
Shige: I'm not! Why does everyone keep saying that?
Jin: *makes a vague, complicated motion with his hands*
Junno: Ooooooh, that is the absolutely perfect hand motion to indicate fail. *imitates it*
Pi: And because he's never actually attended a meeting.
Jin: Oh. So... who IS the guru?
Maru: SSHHHHHHHHH!
Jin: And how can the guru of fail be in TOKIO? TOKIO is awesome. Isn't that the opposite of fail?
Maru: For serious, shut your face.
Jin: No, but really. Because--
Maru: *turns around with glowing red eyes* If you do not shut it, I will rip off your lips and shove your tongue down your pants.
Jin: Eeeep! *coves his mouth with both hands*
Pi: Wow, that's devotion.
Maru: *dirty look*
Pi: *motions that he is zippering his mouth*
*TOKIO finishes performing*

On stage
Subaru: Amazing! Thank you, TOKIO-san!
Orange: PAAAAAAN!
*TOKIO go offstage*

Backstage
Maru: *bows as TOKIO walk by*
Koki: *whispering* So, which one is the guru? I didn't see any fail.
Jin: SHHHHH! *frantic hand motions*
Koki: We can talk now, they're done performing.

On stage
Subaru: BOSS, are you enjoying your birthday celebration?
Orange: We all are!
Subaru: Next, Kinki Kids will perform SMAP's Sekai ni Hitotsu Dake no Hana!

Backstage
Kame: Oh em gee. Oh em gee, we're next. I think I'm going to pass out.
Ryo: Did you just say oh em gee?
Junno: He gets like this sometimes.
Ryo: He gets stupid sometimes? Isn't that Jin's job?
Jin: Hey! I'm not stupid! My mommy says I'm just a different kind of smart.
Everyone: ...
Jin: It's true! Web Shige! Tell them.
Shige: Huh? What? I think Koyama is calling my name. Coming honey, er, uh Koyama.
Ueda: *snicker*
Jin: You guys are mean! *pouts and sits on the floor*
Pi: No time for that Princess. We are up.
Kame: OH.EM.GEE!!!!
Junno: Gee gee gee gee baby baby! I love that song! *does the dance*
Tegoshi: Oh brother.

On stage
Subaru: Next should be SMAP performing Arashi's Love so Sweet but in an official statement, SMAP sama says and I quote *does air quotes* "Happy Birthday BOSS. It says in our contract that we don't have to do these events so we refuse. You youngins don't embarrass us even though you probably will. Sincerely SMAP-sama, rulers of the world."
Orange: Is that really what it says?
Subaru: Well I embellished some, but it basically says that. Anyway, moving on. We have treat by special request. It's the return of SFHD! They will be performing an original song!
Orange: PAAAAAANNNN!
Subaru: No it's called, it's called, um, I don't know what it's called but here they are anyway.

4 minutes later....
Kame: Oh em gee, oh em gee.
Ryo: Are you brain damaged? You can relax now, it's over.
Kame: ...what?
Junno: They loved us! Listen!
*loud cheers*

Kame: ...I don't remember anything.
Pi: Wow, Shuuuuji, you really are a professional. No one could even tell you were in the middle of a complete mental breakdown out there!
Kame: I didn't screw up?
Ueda: Miraculously, none of us did.
Massu: Mmmmph mmmph mmmph, mmmph?
Tegoshi: Well, for some of us it's a miracle.

On stage
Subaru: Let's hear it for SFHD, everyone! And, as some of you may have heard in the rumor mill... Maru, tell them!
Orange: SFHD is going to release a new CD and do a cross-country tour! PAAAAAAAN!

Backstage
Ryo: Ugh, I was hoping they'd all forgotten that part.
Koyama: Ryo-chan, aren't you happy? We all get to be together so a long time! Months and months of togetherness and member ai!
Ryo and Ueda: Shoot me now. *glare at each other*
Tegoshi: I think we deserve a reward for a job well done.
Massu: Mmmph mmmph mmmph mmmph mph mmmmph?
Tegoshi: I swear you can read my mind Massu *fluffs Massu's hair*
Jin: Ice cream?
Tegoshi: YAY! Jin you are correct *fluffs Jin's hair*
Shige: That is just wrong.
Tegoshi: Quiet or you will have to pay again.
Shige: But-
Tegoshi: Everyone! Let's go get ice cream since we did a good job! Shige is paying!
Shige: But-
Koyama: Oh Shige-tan. You always get yourself in these situations you silly boy.
Kame: Jin, none for you. You are on a diet! We have a lot to do and you have to be in top shape!
Jin: Can I have fro yo?
Kame: Well if it is fat free.
Jin: with sprinkles?
Kame: No.
Jin: *pouts*
Kame: Anyway, tomorrow's rehearsal will be long and hard so no one get too stuffed. We'll start at 6 am sharp.
Ryo: Who died and made you the leader?
Ueda: Do you think you could be leader big nose?
Ryo: Better than him and better than you princess.
Shige: *under his breath* Oh just kiss and get it over with!
Ryo: What did you say?
Ueda: *to everyone* Hey, Shige said everyone could get the most expensive sundae on the menu.
Junno: The coliseum?? Shige, do you know how much that costs???
Shige: *turns white*
Koyama: Oh Shige, you and your big mouth.

On stage
Subaru: thank you, Arashi for such a great medley of Johnny's through the years.
Maru: *zzzzzz*
Subaru: Maru, wake up. It's over.
Maru: What? Oh. PAAAAAAAAAANN! Great medley or something. *yawn*
Subaru: Well that is our show. We hope you enjoyed it BOSS. Happy Birthday!
THE BOSS: *thumbs up and smiles*
Maru: He liked it! He really liked it!
Subaru: Drive home safely everyone and we'll see you next year!
Maru: Wait a minute. Didn't we forget someone?
Subaru: No I don't think so.
Maru: What about Tackey and Tsubasa?
Subaru: Who? Are you just making up people?
Maru: No, they really exist!
Subaru: Just say goodnight Maru.
Maru: Goodnight Maru. PAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
hadashi_no_eden
Feb. 6th, 2012 09:58 am (UTC)
I am sooo glad you guys are back!! SFHD for the win!!!
yuu_chantic
Mar. 27th, 2012 04:44 pm (UTC)
i'm glad too....
sugoii..you make a good comedy fic... make my day have lots and lots laughter. arigato...
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )