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Hana and Zakari Present! (Volume 51)

Cast of Characters
KAT-TUN
Kamenashi (Kame): High-strung, anal, has anger management issues
Akanishi (Jin): Huge baka
Taguchi (Junno): Cheerfully masochistic, eager to please, clueless, magic
Tanaka (Koki): Cheerfully sadistic (but only with Taguchi), likes to rap and wear Jesus bling
Ueda: Evil, sarcastic, secretly has a dungeon in his basement
Nakamaru (Maru): The (semi) normal one

NEWS
Koyama: Cheerful, optimistic, member-ai obsessed
Shige: Serious, intelligent, pessimistic, devious
Tegoshi: Cheerful, friendly, secretly rules the world
Massu: Always has gyoza in his mouth; no one can understand what he says except Tegoshi and Koyama
Ryo: Sarcastic, sharp-tongued, short-tempered, easily undone by an innocent look and a cute smile
Pi: The (semi) normal one

Kanjani8
Subaru: Red ranger, magic, likes to instigate
Yoko: Black ranger, not magic, likes to instigate
Okura:Green ranger, never talks
Maruyama (Orange): Orange ranger, enthusiastic, eager
Hina: Purple ranger, sarcastic, irreverent
Yasu: Blue ranger, cute
Ryo: Yellow ranger (and see above under NEWS)

Hana and Zakari Present!
JE Performance Evaluations (Part 2)


The Johnnys have to write objectives for their performance reviews. Wait, what?


Last time, in part 1:

Kame: Where the heck is K8 anyway? They are going to be late.
Ueda: Oo! Oh! Oh! Maybe they will get fired and that big nose Osaka moron will be flipping burgers...
Maru: I really don't think Subaru-
Subaru: *poof, lands on Maru's lap* You rang Yuichi-kun?
Maru: ACCCCK!!! Get off! Get off!
The rest of K8: *poofs in*
Kame: it is about about time! We are going to be late for our reviews. You know how the BOSS HATES it when we are late.
Yoko and Subaru: *Nervous looks*
Shige: What? What? I don't like those looks.
Subaru: Yeah about those reviews...

And now, part 2!

Maru: *shivers* I am getting very cold. Is anyone else getting very cold?
Jin: I feel fine.
Junno: I think it's actually a little hot in here.
Jin: Well, we have crammed a ton of people into a relatively small spa--
Kame: Just tell us what's wrong!!!!
Jin: Ow, Kame! Inside voice!
Subaru: Erm, the meetings were moved up. Kamenashi, yours is--
Yoko: Was.
Subaru: Was?
Yoko: Was.
Subaru: Oh. Well, you missed it.
Kame: WHAT?!

Maru: Uh, Kame, that vein in your neck.
Junno: I want to touch it!
Koki: *slaps Junno's hand* Don't do it man!
Junno: But-but!
Subaru: But don't worry. The boss said you can reschedule-
Yoko: next year.
Kame: WHAT??
Shige: That is too bad.
Subaru: Oh, there was something I was supposed to tell you Kato, what was it? what was it?
Yoko: Sir, he missed his too.
Subaru: Oh yes! You missed yours too. Good luck next time.
Shige: EHHHHHHHHHHHH?????

Maru: You think you can take my spot as second-in-command of the F.A.I.L.C.O.R.P.S., don't you, Kato? Don't you?!
Shige: I... I... I
Maru: I will defeat you! Subaru! I missed mine too, right?
Subaru: No, you're good. Yours is like next week.
Maru: D'oh!
Jin: FAIL.
Maru: It is?
Tegoshi: Yeah. You're good. You even fail at failing.
Maru: Ha! Take that, Kato!
Shige: *whimper*
Koyama: Shige, don't quit!!!1!
Pi: So, who's next? Is anybody missing their meeting now?
Yoko: Yup.
Koki: Well, don't keep us in suspense, who is it?!
Yoko: Errrr... sir...?
Subaru: Eh? DANG! *poof, is gone*

Pi: Who is next after Subaru:
Koki: Yeah, shouldn't we be prepared or something?
Massu: Mmmph mmmph mmmph mmmph?
Tegoshi: Never, that is when.
Ryo: Well maybe now is time to start being prepared. What if we all get fired?
Ueda: *mostly to himself* Dear Go, Please let Ryo miss his and get fired.
Ryo: Hey pasty! I heard that! I'm not going to get fired. I'm the sexy Osaka man!
Ueda: You can easily be replaced.
Ryo: By who!
Shige: *from the corner* by whom
Ryo: Yeah what poindexter said!
Ueda: Well, Okura, Hina. There's that one jr...
Ryo: Ya! Yoko! When is mine! I am going to be ready!

Jin: Isn't anyone wondering why none of us knew the meetings were moved?
Pi: Yeah, Shige, you're really falling down on the job.
Jin: Forget Shige. Kame, I'm shocked at you. SHOCKED, I say.
Kame: I... I... I....
Shige: It... it.... it....
Massu: Mmmph mmph mmmph mmph mmmmph.
Koyama: I don't know. I mean, it miht work, but I just can't hit a friend!
Ueda: Oh, let me. *smacks them both*
Kame: I... I... I...
Shige: It... it... it....
Ueda: Hmm, better hit them harder.
Koki: *grabs his hand* Or not.
Ueda: *glares*
Koki: *lets go* Err.... anyway, Kame, didn't you get a notification or something?
Junno: *takes Kame's phone* Hmmm, I don't see any message from the BOSS.
Yoko: That's because it didn't come from the BOSS.
Pi: Eh?
Hina: Yeah, the BOSS's email account went down, so he had his secretary send it from her personal account.
Pi: Ahhhh, that explains it. Shige told me he has really strong junkmail filters.
Junno: Oh, here it is, in Kame's junk mail folder! Look, Kame, see? It wasn't your fault!
Kame: I... I... I...
Junno: Kame-chan? I think he's broken.
Koyama: Kame and Shige, don't die! *sobs*

Massu: Mmmph mmmmph mmmph mmmph mmph?
Tegoshi: She is mean and she doesn't like Shige.
Shige: She doesn't like me? Why not?
Koyama: Akira Shock!
Pi: Hey! That's my line!
Koyama: How could anyone not like Shige?
Ueda: Easily.
Koki: Well, maybe she like Kame. Kame, you should go ask Endou-san to reschedule your meeting.
Yoko: Yeah, it's not like the boss even knows his own schedule. She does as she pleases with it really.
Kame: Then why did she move me?
Yoko: Dunno. I guess she just felt like it.
Maru: Or something more important came up.
Shige: Like?
Maru: Maybe he had to take his dog to the vet or something.
Subaru: *poofs back in*
Yoko: Sir, how did it go?
Subaru: Words of advice. Make sure you are prepared and don't under any circumstances ask him about his dog or suggest a Tacky & Tsubasa/Kinki Kids super world tour.
Koki: *scratches something off his paper*

Subaru: Akanishi, you're up. Good luck, my friend.
Jin: No problem. The BOSS likes me. Peace out, yo. *leaves*
Maru: He's gonna get fired.
Pi: Anyway, Shuuji, why don't you go ask Endou-san to reschedule your meeting?
Kame: *mumble, mumble*
Pi: What was that?
Kame: *mumble mumble*
Koyama: I'm sorry, I didn't hear--
Kame: I said we used to date!
Everyone else: o_0
Tegoshi: Wait. Isn't Endou-san, like, 100 years old?
Kame: Fifty-two. And I like mature women.
Ueda: Geriatrics, you mean.
Kame: HEY! Endou-san is a vital and interesting woman! We just... weren't compatible.
Massu: Mmmph mmph mmmph?
Kame: Well... technically I guess SHE dumped ME. But it was all Jin's fault!
Ryo: Oh, do tell.
Ueda: This should be a fun story.

Kame: See, what had happened was Jin came over to my apt. He had some girl over and he only came over to use my bathroom. He didn't want to go at a fast food place because he felt like he would have to buy something first. Anyway, while he was in the bathroom, the girl was looking at my pictures and she tripped on that weak spot in my carpet. I went to help her up only I tripped too and landed on top of her. Endou-san came in and totally misunderstood the whole situation and she hasn't talked to me since.
Ueda: Huh. Not as fun as I was hoping it would be.
Koyama: Maybe you should apologize or buy her flowers.
Kame: I tried that. It didn't work.
Ueda: Maybe big nosed Osaka boy can help you. You like old ladies right? You dated, uh Sakura? Sunako? Whatever that lady's name was.
Tegoshi: That was so short lived though, I'm sure he doesn't remember what, *clears his throat* seasoned ladies like.
Ryo: All of you shut up.
Koki: I think it's still a sore subject with him. Let's not talk about it anymore.
Junno: A toaster!
Maru: What now?
Junno: He should buy her a toaster. Whenever my dad does something to make my mom mad, he buys an I'm sorry toaster!
Koyama: What dimension are those from?
Junno: No, you can buy them on the 5th floor of the Ginza Department store. I don't think other dimensions have toasters. Bagel warmers maybe, but I've never seen any toasters.

Koki: Dude, let's go into business selling toasters in other dimensions! We'll get rich!
Junno: Oh, great idea! I'll start to process to get us sales and production licenses. Then I'll hire us a lawyer from the 1,893,062nd dimension and an accountant from dimension Q. We'll be in business and filthy rich by the time we're 89!
Koki: ... 89?
Junno: These things take time, you know.
Koki: Never mind. I'll keep my day job.
Junno: Awww. But I wanted to go into business with Koki-chan.
Koki: We can just sell Tanaka-approved Jesus pieces right here. And don't call me Koki-chan.
Junno: Okay!
Ueda: And now that we're done with that detour into moron-land--
Jin: I'm back!
Ueda: Never mind. Still in moron-land.
Pi: How did it go?
Jin: Good. He liked my objective. He said I'm a high performer and he expects great things from me, not like that irresponsible Kamenashi, who can't be bothered to show up for meetings.
Kame: *whimper*
Shige: What... what did he say about me?
Jin: *thinks* Hmmmm, nothing.
Shige: That' good, right? Isn't it?
Okura: *shakes his head and pats Shige on the back*
Hina: I'm afraid you're dead to him now, Kato. My condolences.
Shige: Eeeeeehhh?
Hina: Haha, kidding! I'm sure it's fine.
Shige: I... hate you.
Koyama: Shige, don't quit!!!!
Jin: Oh, and I'm supposed to tell someone you're next. Who as it... who... is... next...? *thinks hard* Oh yeah! Koyama.
Koyama: Oh no! Okay, I'm going now. how do I look? Do I look okay?
Ryo: It's not a date, who cares how you look?
Koyama: But I want to make a good impression! I know, I'll bring him a pen. Wish me luck, everyone! I'm going now! *leaves*
Jin: ... What was the other thing I was supposed to say? ... Oh yeah. To wait 15 minutes because the BOSS had to go to the bathroom. Koyama, you can... where did he go?
Ueda: Moron-land. We are seriously in moron-land.
Kame: *whimper*

Pi: There, there Shuuji. It will be ok.
Kame: I'm doomed.
Massu: Mmmph mmmph mmmph mmmph.
Tegoshi: He's too skinny for that now. He'd have to gain like 15 kg. A ball whizzing by him would knock him over!
Jin: There was something else I had to tell you guys. What was it? What was it?
Ueda: That this whole stupid thing is cancelled?
Ryo: That you are a forgetful idiot?
Jin: No. Oh! Yassu, don't bother showing up. Your clothes give the BOSS a migraine. You pass.

Yassu: WHAT?! But... but...!
Okura: *pats his back soothingly*
Orange: But you pass! That's good, right? Cheer up! PAAAAN!
Yassu: But... but...!
Subaru: I think you look great. You have a very progressive sense of fashion!
Massu: Mmmph mmph!
Yassu: Really? *sniffle*
Subaru: Of course!
Massu: Mmmph!
Yassu: Thanks, guys. You're the best.
Subaru: *blush*
Jin: Oh wait, there was one more thing....
Ryo: The BOSS seriously trusted you with all of this information?
Jin: Oh yeah. Massu, you also do not need to go on fashion grounds. Pass.
Massu: Mmmph?!
Tegoshi: Well, Massu, you're a bit... sometimes you... well, you have unique tastes.
Junno: Progressive tastes, right Master?
Subaru: *staring at Yasu* Hmmm, what?
Maru: Can someone please just give us an ordered list of who goes when? The suspense is killing me.
Yoko: No problem. *looks at Subaru* Errr. Subaru?
Subaru: What?
Yoko: List. Ordered list.
Subaru: Oh, sure, whatever. *poof, a piece of aper appears in Yoko's hand*
Yoko: Thanks!
Subaru: *back to staring at Yasu*

Yoko: *looks at the list* Let's see. Ueno Juri. Halle Berry. Yoona. Maki. Angelina Jolie. Excuse me sir, but this is your sexiest ladies list.
Subaru: *stares more at Yasu* Huh? Oh. Oh! Sorry. Wrong list. *poof*
Yoko: That's better. *clears his throat* Next is Ryo, then yours truly, then Kame, then-
Kame: *interrupts* I get a second chance?? Really??
Hina: The list doesn't lie.
Kame: Woo-hoo!! *dances around the room*
Tegoshi: Why is he so excited?
Maru: it's the little things.
Tegoshi: *confused*

Shige: Do I get a second chance? When's my new appointment?
Yoko: Umm.... I'm sorry, Shige-kun. You're not on the list.
Shige: *starts to hyperventilate*
Koyama: *runs in* SHIGE, DON'T QUIT!!! *glomps him*
Ueda: Whoa, where the blazes did you come from?
Ryo: Blazes?
Ueda: Shut it. Go have your appointment. If we're all lucky, you'll get fired.
Ryo: In your dreams. I am this company's star employee. In our age group. *leaves*
Ueda: I am so going to tell Ninomiya that--
Ryo: *pokes his head back in* Excluding Arashi, of course. *leaves again*
Ueda: Damn.
Junno: *pats his back* Next time Uebo!
Ueda: *elbows him* Don't call me that.
Junno: Okay, Uepi!
Ueda: *elbows him again* Don't call me that, either.
Junno: Haha, ow! Look, Koki-chan, that's gonna bruise! *runs to Koki and lifts his shirt*
Koki: Quit flashing me, you idiot! But yes, that will turn a nice shade of purple by tomorrow.

Ueda: I wonder if Ryo will be ok.
Everyone else: EHHHHH??
Maru: You are actually concerned about someone else??
Hina: Especially about Ryo??
Yassu: is the world ending? I'm scared! Subaru, hold me!
Subaru: *holds him* I'm scared too.
Ueda: What if he gets bad marks? Then he would get fired! What would he do?
Kame: Taguchi-san. Did you stab Ueda with your love sword again?
Junno: No! Of course not. That sword got banished to the 74354th dimension. Master said I am too irresponsible for it right now.
Ueda: I know! He'd have to get a job as a chicken mascot! He'd had out flyers in the costume and do a stupid dance. Oh I would pay any amount to see that. BWA-HAHAHAHAH!!
Pi: False alarm. Ueda is fine.
Tegoshi: Good. I don't like happy love love Ueda. He gives me the creeps. *shivers*
Massu: Mmmph mmmmph mmmph mmmmmph mmmph?
Tegoshi: Worse than that, though that was pretty bad. I liked that shirt too.

Ryo: *comes back* Next.
Pi: Whoa. That was fast.
Maru: What did he say?
Ryo: In his exact words: "YOU. You're good. Write some good songs. Do some more dramas. No more DV. Send in the next one."
Tegoshi: Did you say anything?
Ryo: I said "Good afternoon, sir," when I walked in and "Yes, sir, thank you sir," as I was leaving.
Orange: You're a man of few words, like me!
Ryo: Since when are you a man of few words?
Yoko: He is. It's just that one of the few words is PAAAAN.
Ryo: Oh. Well, true.
Orange: PAAA--
Ryo: Shut up.
Orange: Right.
Maru: Yoko, it's it your turn?
Yoko: Oh, right! Catch you guys later. Sir, would you mind...? *poof, disappears*
Yoko's voice: Thank youuuuuuu!
Kame: I'm next. I'm next, aren't I? *starts hyperventilating*
Shige: Why are you freaking out? I'm the only one allowed to freak out. I don't even HAVE an appointment!
Ueda: You did have one, you just missed it.
Shige: *starts hyperventilating again*
Maru: You really are very evil.
Ueda: Thanks, I try.

Yoko: *Comes back*
Subaru: That was fast.
Yoko: I know!
Hina: What happened?
Yoko: Well I went in and he said, "YOU." And I said, "yes sir" and he said, "You're the one who does all the talking in the Kansai group right?" And I said "yes BOSS sir" and he said, "You're funny. Keep doing all the talking." "Then I said, "I'm funny how?" and He said, "You know, you're just funny" And I said, "What, like a clown?" And he said, "get out of my office" and I bowed a lot and said "Yes sir. Right away sir."
Koki: Wow. Um, Kame I guess it's your turn.
Kame: *shaking*
Pi: Shuuji, don't worry. It will be fine. You got a second chance *gives the thumbs up*
Kame: *gulp*
Jin: *shoves Kame out the door* Go get em tiger!
Massu: Mmmph mmph mmmmmph mmmmph?
Tegoshi: Probably not. I bet he faints before he even gets in the BOSS's office.
Massu: Mmmmmph mmmmph mmmphmmmph mmmph?
Tegoshi: Ok you are on! The loser pays for dinner.

Hina: Wait a minute. He said you do all the talking? What about me? I do all the talking, too.
Yoko: Well, I wasn't about to bring that up during my review. I have to sell myself, you know.
Okura: ...
Yoko: Not THAT way, you perv!
Okura: ...?!
Ueda: No one would pay for you, anyway.
Yoko: They would, too! I am made of awesome!
Jin: No way, I'M made of awesome. You're made of Kansai-ben.
Yoko: I am made of a different sort of awesome than you.
Ryo: A smarter sort.
Yoko: And funnier sort.
Orange: Like a clown?
Yoko: Get out of my office.
Orange: *mimes beating a drum* Ba-dum-bum!
Kame: *comes back in looking shell-shocked*
Junno: Kame-chan, you're back!
Koki: Uh-oh. I don't like that look. What happened?
Kame: He... he... he....
Shige: No. You're not... fired... are you?
Everyone else: *holds their breath*
Kame: He... He got BORED!
Everyone else: *falls over*
Maru: *getting up from the floor* What?!
Kame: I walked in and he said, "I'm bored. YOU. Tell everyone else not to come. Just keep making me money." And then he pushed me out the door!
Koki: Wow. Okay.
Junno: Awww, I was looking forward to my meeting!
Koki: Freak.
Hina: Amen to that, brother.

Jin: Well, as "fun" as this has been, it's time for me to get back to LA. Junno, if you don't mind.
Junno: Bye Jinnie! *starts to biff*
Koyama: WAIT! Why don't we all go out celebrate since we all passed!
Kame: We didn't all pass. Some of us didn't go!
Yassu: That's a good idea! Where should we go?
Junno: I know! Let's all go to LA! There this friend chicken place I saw last time we were there. I wanted to try it, but Kame wouldnt' let me. Something about a schedule and blah blah blah.
Kame: Hey! I don't just go blah blah blah! I say important things.
Jin: How about we not and say we did!
Junno: Don't be silly Jinnie! This will be fun. I've never biffed' this many people at once before.
Subaru: it will be fine apprentice. You can do it!
Junno: Ok, Everyone get really closes together. Hold hands if you want. Hopefully, you all will have your own body parts when you get on the other side.
Maru: Dear God, please let me end up in LA with all my correct body parts and not anyone elses.
Junno: Maru, I was joking!
Maru: That doesn't make me feel any better.
Junno: Ok, 1, 2, 3. Here goes!
Kame: Wait! My sunscreen!
Jin: No time now! We'll buy you some more later.
Kame: But it's special. S-P-E-C-I-A-L!
Junno: *biff*
Everyone: *disappears*
Kame's voice: Why Junno? Why?!

The End!

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
gagulan
Jul. 10th, 2010 02:01 pm (UTC)
The last one is soo my fav! With Yuichi's nervous & Kame's action~
XDDD
Thank you~
hadashi_no_eden
Jul. 10th, 2010 03:49 pm (UTC)
Ha ha!! This is great! If only our performance reviews at my job got cancelled because the boss was bored.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )