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Hana and Zakari Present! (Volume 50)

Cast of Characters
Kamenashi (Kame): High-strung, anal, has anger management issues
Akanishi (Jin): Huge baka
Taguchi (Junno): Cheerfully masochistic, eager to please, clueless, magic
Tanaka (Koki): Cheerfully sadistic (but only with Taguchi), likes to rap and wear Jesus bling
Ueda: Evil, sarcastic, secretly has a dungeon in his basement
Nakamaru (Maru): The (semi) normal one

Koyama: Cheerful, optimistic, member-ai obsessed
Shige: Serious, intelligent, pessimistic, devious
Tegoshi: Cheerful, friendly, secretly rules the world
Massu: Always has gyoza in his mouth; no one can understand what he says except Tegoshi and Koyama
Ryo: Sarcastic, sharp-tongued, short-tempered, easily undone by an innocent look and a cute smile
Pi: The (semi) normal one

Subaru: Red ranger, magic, likes to instigate
Yoko: Black ranger, not magic, likes to instigate
Ryo: Yellow ranger (and see above under NEWS)

Dong Bang Shin Ki (aka DBSK, aka TVXQ, aka Tohoshinki)
Yunho: Group leader, big-brother type
Micky (Yoochun): Passionate, sensitive, cries a lot
Changmin: Youngest but most mature, smart, sarcastic, sometimes looks a lot like Junno

Hana and Zakari Present!
JE Performance Evaluations (Part 1)

The Johnnys have to write objectives for their performance reviews. Wait, what?

KAT-TUN practice room, 8 am

Kame: *whistling* Good morning everyone! Are you all ready for today?
Maru: Ready for what?
Junno: Ready? Hmm...Turkenman day isn't until tomorrow and that is in the 789th dimension and I am totally ready for that. What is today?
Ueda: *snore*
Kame: I can't believe you guys. Wait, why am I surprised? It's performance evaluation day!
Koki: Performance what now?
Kame: You people are SO frustrating! Didn't you read the memo? The email? The posting in the hall?
Everyone: ....
Kame: I'd better call Jin. I can't imagine he did it either.
Koki: What time is it in LA?
Junno: Let's see. It's 8 am here. That means it's 2 AM in Nairobi and 53:75 in the 5897th dimension. Carry the 13, subtract 57...that means it's 4 PM in LA.
Koki: *looks at the world time clock in his phone* He's right.
Kame: Of course. I'm calling Jin. *ring*
Random Girl: Mack Daddy Jin's Phone.
Kame: *in English* Hello. Zis is Kame. I can speak to Jin please?
Random Girl: Hold on. Jin! There is some guy named Commie on the phone.
Jin: Commie? I don't know any- Eeekk!! Tell him I'm not here! Tell him I died in a car crash! I got adducted by aliens!
Kame: *in Japanese* You idiot! The phone is on speaker phone!
Jin: *comes to the phone* *in Japanese* Kame! My main main. *in English* my friend! *in Japanese* What's cracking?
Kame: Jin, did you do your performance evaluation?
Jin: Peacock what? No I don't have any peacocks. Ok bye.
Kame: Akanishi Jin! Did you do it or not?
Jin: No. I didn't even know we had to do them!
Kame: Yes you did. I texted you yesterday about it and I called you to remind you!
Jin: Ohhhh..that is what that was about! See, my phone battery-
Kame: Look just do it. You have 1 hour
Jin: One hour! I need to go to the gym to work on my guns!
Kame: 1 HOUR. Or I'll tell your little lady friend about that time-
Jin: Ok! Ok! I'll do it. One hour. Got it. Getting to work now. Bye!! *hangs up*

Maru: Is he going to do it?
Kame: He said he would.
Maru: So he won't.
Kame: No.
Koki: What are we supposed to do, exactly?
Kame: The mem--
Koki: Yeah, let's just pretend I never read the memo.
Junno: That's a great game! Let's pretend none of us read it, and Kame can pretend he did and tell us what it said and what we have to do!
Koki: Perfect!
Kame: *sigh*
Ueda: *snore*
Kame: Junno, wake Ueda up and get Jin here. I only want to have to explain this once.
Junno: You got it, dude! *biff!*
Jin: *appears, wearing baggy jeans, a t-shirt with a swear word in English, and a backward baseball cap, in the middle of drinking a Bud Light* *splutter, choke* What-?!
Kame: I knew you weren't working on it.
Jin: I AM! I think better with a Bud!
Junno: Hi, Jin! Uepi, wake up! *pokes him* Ueboooo!
Ueda: You die now.
Junno: Haha you're cute when you first wake up.
Kame: Alright, now listen very carefully.
Koki: Wait, I'll take notes. *takes a little notebook and pen out of his pocket* Go ahead.
Jin: No, wait!
Kame: WHAT?!
Jin: *dials his cellphone* Pi, what's up? ... No, I'm in japan. ... Junno, of course. ... Yeah, way cheaper. Should have had him poof me over there the first time, haha! Anyway, you guys are doing your... what are they, Kame?
Kame: *sigh* Performance reviews.
Jin: Right! Performance reviews! ... Ask Shige, then. ... Really? Kame, Pi sys Shige has no idea what we're referring to.
Kame: What?! Give me that phone.

Shige: I don't remember there being a memo about performance evaluations.
Kame: What do you mean? You are the only other one around here with any brains!
Shige: Yes, well, you don't understand what it's like in this group! I have to keep up with my own homework, my work emails, everyone else's emails!
Kame: Wait, what?
Shige: Everyone in NEWS's emails forward to my email account.
Kame: Why in the world...
Shige: Don't ask. They all just set it up that way.
Kame: You poor thing, but that still is no excuse. You all have an hour to write them! I'll reforward the memo.
Shige: No!!!! That will crash my email. Maybe you can fax it?
Kame: That will cost money. The only fax machine is in Eri-san's office and she charges 1000 yen per page. I could just walk it over to you.
Shige: Oh yeah, do that.

Kame: You know what? We're all going over there. We are going to sit down and write these objectives together.
Jin: Objectives? I thought we were writing reviews. I had yours all written out in my head.
Maru: What did it say?
Jin: Oh, you know. "Kame is too anal retentive and he yells too much." Stuff like that.
Maru: Yeah, sounds about right.
Kame: WHAT?!
Maru: I said that doesn't sound right at all, Jeez, Jin.
Kame: Let's just go. *leaves*
Jin: And he doesn't accept constructive criticism.
Maru: And how.

NEWS's Dressing Room:

Ryo: You're falling down on the job, Poindexter. You're the worst secretary ever.
Shige: So fire me, then!
Pi: Well, I don't think that will be necessary.
Shige: Oh no, I insist. In fact, I qui--
Koyama: SHIGE, DON'T QUIT!!!1! *tackle-hugs him*
KAT-TUN: *comes in*
Junno: Hi, NEWS! Good morning!
NEWS: Good mor--
Kame: Enough of that, time's a wastin'. Everyone sit down and shut up for two seconds.
Tegoshi: Is that really necessary?
Koki: It's easier just to do what he says.
Maru: Much less long-term stress.
Tegoshi: Well, okay, but I resent his tone.
Jin: Put that in his review. I'm going to add it to mine.
Kame: You don't get to write my review!!
Shige: So what exactly are we doing, then?
Kame: Objectives.
Shige: Oooooh, right. okay.
Pi: What?
Jin: Who?
Koki: Where?
Junno: Why?
Tegoshi: When?
Ryo: How?
Kame: ... I hate you all.

Jin: *writing* I object to having to write Objectives. *hands paper to Kame* There. I am done. Junno, zap me back to LA. I have a hot date.
Massu: Mmmmph mmmmph mmph mmph mmmmph mmmph?
Tegoshi: And when do you find time to practice?
Jin: I have plenty of time to practice and I'm not dating a whole bunch of girls. Just one or four.
Kame: Sit your fat butt back down. You aren't done. This isn't an objective. This is stupid.
Ueda: You are right. This is stupid. I'm leaving.
Ryo: No! I'm leaving first.
Ueda: No me!
Ryo: No me! *gets up*
Ueda: *gets up to*
Ryo: *pushes Ueda*
Ueda: *pushes Ryo*
Kame: ENOUGH!!! Both of you sit your skinny a**es back down in those chairs and write!!!! NOW. This is for HIM you know.
Maru: *gulp* HIM? You don't mean.
Kame: Oh I do mean. The whole company has to do it.
Pi: Even N-
Kame: Yes, even him. Now everyone write!

Ueda: Well, if the BOSS wants it, I guess that's different.
Kame: Who the heck did you think wanted it?
Maru: Well, you.
Koki: Yeah, it seemed like something you'd come up with.
Pi: They've got you pegged, Shuuji-kun. Kon-kon.
Kame: Whatever. Anyway, listen. We all have to write two S.M.A.R.T. objectives.
Ryo and Ueda: *in unison* Well, that leaves Akanishi out.
Jin: HEY!
Pi: Awwww! True wuv in action!
Tegoshi: They're so cute!
Ryo and Ueda: *dirty took at each other*
Jin: Isn't anyone going to defend me?
Junno: I will, Jin-Jin!
Jin: *waits* Well?
Junno: Umm... I like you a lot!! Yay for Jin-Jin!
Jin: And I can be smart, right?
Junno: ... um...
Kame: Back to the objectves...
Junno: YES, tell us all about the objectives Kame-chan!
Jin: but-
Kame: S.M.A.R.T. stands for *in english* Specific, Measurable, Actionable... *back to Japanese* ummm... I forgot the last two, but anyway they need to be smart.
Jin: I can so be smart. I will show all of you. My number 1 objective will be to be hella smart and shove it in all of your faces.
Kame: That's not achieveable or measurable.
Ryo and Ueda: HA! *dirty look at each other*

Koyama: I know! Ueda and Ryo's objectives should be to be best friends!
Ryo and Ueda: No.
Shige: It fits all the criteria.
Koki: Or at least the three we know anyway.
Jin: *writes* My objective is I don't wanna cry alone. *hands to Kame* There. That is all that stuff that objectives is supposed to be.
Shige: *looks* Well, he is technically right.
Kame: No. try again. Something like, I will not be so lazy and I will do what Kame says.
Jin: Who died and made you leader.
Kame: I'm not the leader, Ueda is-
Ueda: I now say that Kame is the leader. I can't lead you morons.
Pi: Oh! I have it. I will schedule activities once a month so that NEWS can become closer as a group.
Ryo: Like you'll all actually come out when I ask after shows?
Tegoshi: Well, you know I have that thing all the time. You know, that thing.
Massu: Mmmmph mmmmph mmmmph mmmmph mmmph?
Koyama: Masuda Takahisa! I'm surprised at you!

Maru: Maybe we need some sample objectives.
Shige: That's not a bad idea. I think I can find some onli--
Junno: I know! I'll ask my best friend if they do performance reviews! *dials cell*
Shige: In the meantime, I'll look online.
Koki: You do that.
Changmin: *in Korean* Hi, Dongwook, what's up?
Junno: Eh? No, it's me, Junno!
Changmin: What? *away from phone* Dammit, Jae, quit changing the names in my address book! *hangs up*
Junno: Wait! Awww....
Jin: No worries, I'll call my man Micky.
Maru: Who?
Jin: *dials phone*
Yoochun: Hello?
Jin: *in English* Micky, my man!
Yoochun: *in English* What? Who is dis??
Jin: *in English* It's me, Akanishi?
Yoochun: *in English* Who?
Jin: *in English* Akanishi! Your bud!
Yoochun: Ummm....
Jin: *in English* You're in my troop!
Yoochun: *in English* Troop?
Jin: *shrieking in English* You wore the hat, man!! THE HAT!!!
Yoochun: *starts to cry* I don't .. understand... who....
Yunho: *grabs the phone, speaks in Korean* Who is this?
Jin: Whatever. *in Japanese* Do you guys do performance reviews?
Yunho: *in Japanese* What? Well, no, but... that is a wonderful idea. Thank you, whoever you are! *away from phone* Guess what guys, we're going to start doing performance reviews! *hangs up*
Jin: *pout* Anyway, Micky is totally in my troop.
Junno: *cell rings* Hey, it's my best friend! *picks up* Min Min!
Changmin: I hate you. *hangs up*

Shige: Here is an example. "To increase line production of burritos by 50% in the next 6 months by increasing my individual folding quota to 30 an hour"
Jin: Objection! Relevance!
Everyone: *looks at Kame*
Kame: Uh, I'll allow it? I mean it is irrelevant to us. None of us fold burritos.
Massu: Mmmph mmmph mmmph mmmph?
Tegoshi: Later. I know a good place. They have Tako Tacos.
Massu: *drools* Mmmmph!
Ryo: Massu's should be to decrease his drooling quota by 50%.
Pi: Kame, why don't you tell us yours? Maybe it will give us some, um, ideas.
Kame: I'd be glad to. 1. To increase KAT-TUN's dancing ability by holding 4 extra rehearsals a week for the next 4 months. 2. To appear in at least 3 dramas a year for the next two years. 3. To maintain my soft skin by getting a full spa treatment once a week for the rest of my life.
Maru: We are doomed.

Junno: OH, I get it! Okay, okay. I know mine.
Ueda: This ought to be good.
Junno: 1. to make at least five people laugh this year when I tell one of my jokes.
Maru: Ummm... that might not really be....
Junno: 2. to practice magic for two hours a day so I can reach level 5,890 competency by the end of the year.
Tegoshi: What level are you now?
Junno: 4,927. Master is level eleventy-billion smith-bokkus forty-four three.
Ryo: Is that even a number?
Junno: It is in the 1,045,027th dimension, where you take the competency test.
Ryo: I had to ask.
Kame: And your third objective?
Junno: My third objective is to write a third objective by the end of the year.

Koki: Kame, did you bring the memo?
Kame: Of course, here. *hands it to Koki*
Massu: mmmmph mmmph. Mmmmmph. mmmmph mmmph mmmph mmmmmph. mmmph. mmmph mmmmph mmmph mmph mmmph. mmmph. mmmph mmph mmph mph mmmph mmmmmph.
Tegoshi: Those are good objectives Massu! *pats him on the back*
Massu: *beams*
Shige: *to Maru* I hope the boss can understand him.
Maru: *shrugs* Well he doesn't write that way.
Shige: Oh right. Of course.
Koki: Kame, this says we only have to write on-
Kame: *puts his hand over Koki's mouth*
Pi: What was that Koki?
Kame: Nothing! Ha Ha! Nothing! He wasn't going to say anything! *grabs the memo, balls it up and eats it*
Massu: *makes a face that says, "even I wouldn't eat that"*

Shige: *checking his cellphone* Wait a minute... Kamenashi-kun, could I see you outside for a moment?
Kame: Why of course, Kato-kun. We haven't hung out together at all lately, have we?
Shige: No, indeed. Let's take a little trip to the soda machine and catch up.
Kame: Yes, let's. *leaves with Shige*
Tegoshi: That was very suspicious and rather gross.
Massu: Mmmph.

Meanwhile, outside:

Shige: I just found the memo in my e-mail and we only have to write one objective. I think I know why you told us three, but I wanted to check.
Kame: You're probably thinking correctly.
Shige: If everyone writes three, the chances are higher they'll come up with at least one good one that can actually be used?
Kame: Exactly.
Shige: Good thinking. Do you plan to tell them what the mandatory objectives are?
Kame: Nope. We should let them all fail on their own merits.
Shige: ... I'll probably cave on that one.
Kame: *sigh* You want to tell them?
Shige: Well, they're my friends. Most of them are, anyway. Though I have no idea why....
Kame: Alright, fine, we'll tell them. But we're sticking with the three objectives thing.
Shige: Deal. *shakes Kame's hand* Your skin is ridiculously soft.
Kame: I use an amazing moisturizer. It's made from whale placentas and the salivatory gland of a pregnant hyena.
Shige: ...We should go get sodas to avoid suspicion.
Kame: Right.

Back in the room:

*Shige and Kame walk in*
Jin: *pounces on Kame* You lied! We only have to write one objective! Koki told us!
Koki: Massu sat on me, I couldn't help it.
Shige: He made that up just to make you guys stop torturing him. Right, Koki?
Koki: Uh... right!
Ryo: But we clearly heard him say "we only have to write on-" before you cut him off!
Kame: Right. Because you only have to write one time what your name is. At the top, by the date.
Jin: For real?
Shige: Yup.
Pi: Well, how about that. Sorry, Koki.
Koki: Uhhh, no problem.
Maru: I'm just going to go with this, but boy, are you guys dumb.
Kame: Shut up!
Maru: Shutting up.

Ryo: *talking furtively into his watch* Yellow to Red. Yellow to Red. Code plaid. I repeat. Code plaid.
Ueda: Why are you talking to your watch?
Ryo: Talking to my watch? That's dumb, why would I talk to my watch? You must be seeing things, pasty-face.
Junno: What's code plaid?
Ryo: I have no idea what you're referring to. *poofs into his Eito uniform, gasps loudly* OH MY! IT SEEMS WE HAVE A RANGER EMERGENCY!
Tegoshi: Why is he yelling?
Pi: Who knows.
Ryo: Well, got to go. Bye.
Kame: Hold it. Did you just contact Subaru to give you an excuse to leave?
Ryo: What? How could I have possibly done that?
Junno: Probably that code paid thi-
Ryo: *punches him*
Junno: Ow! OH. I mean, yeah, that's impossible, Kame-chan. Haha. Ha. Heh?
Ryo: Well, bye. *poof, is gone*
Jin: That lucky dog.
Shige: You know, if you would just write three decent objectives, you could leave and do whatever you want with the rest of your day.
Jin: Well, yeah, but.... Thats....
Koki: Too logical.
Jin: Right! Wait, no....
Ueda: Ha!

Kame: Well, that is not exactly true. There are still the meetings with the BOSS.
Jin: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Ryo! Come back! Take me with you!
Kame: Did I forget to mention that part? We have to tell him our objectives and get feedback on our performance.
Maru: *shaking*
Tegoshi: Maru, You know the BOSS is not a girl right? Why are you so nervous?
Massu: Mmmph mmmph mmmph mmmph mmmmph mmmmph.
Koyama: How do you know that?
Massu: Mmmmph mmmph mmmmph mmmph.
Tegoshi: Well, maybe, but he still isn't a girl. I have soft hands too.
Kame: I need to find out what hand lotion he uses.
Shige: Can we focus PLEASE?

Pi: On what exactly? I don't know about the rest of you but there is no way I can write any sort of objective in this environment.
Shige: ... He has a point, Kamenashi.
Pi: I know I do. That's why I said it.
Koki: Everything you say has a point?
Pi: Well, no. But that's not the point.
Maru: What is the point?
Pi: I forgot.
Kame: Sigh. Okay, new plan. We all split up, find a quiet place to sit and think, and then come back here after 30 minutes. Deal?
Massu: Mmmph mmph mmmph mmph?
Tegoshi: Well, I think that part was implied.
Koyama: Does anyone need to borrow a pen? I have enough for everyone! *hands one to Koki* Look, it says "member ai" on it!
Koki: So I see. The little hearts all over it are a nice touch.
Koyama: Thank you! I got them special ordered. I have 2,999 more of them in my bag!
Koki: ... Well, I guess I'll go find someplace quiet. Bye. *leaves*
Kame: *calls after him* 30 minutes, Koki!
Junno: I'll go with Koki!
Kame: *grabs him* No. Bad Junno!
Junno: Eh?
Shige: Everyone has to be by themselves. As in, alone.
Junno: But... but...
Koyama: You can stay with me! Want a pen?
Junno: Okay!
Kame: *sigh* Whatever, just don't bother him. I'm going, now. *leaves*
Everyone else: *wanders off in different directions, Koyama and Junno are left in NEWS' room*
Koyama: Hmmm... what should my objectives be...?
Junno: I really like this pen.

30 minutes later...

Shige: *comes back in*
Koyama: Shigeeee! *glomps him* I missed you!
Shige: Ugh. Yes, hi.
Everyone else: *walks in*
Junno: Hi! We wrote our objectives. They are the best objectives ever.
Ueda: Well, that was pointless and a waste of time.
Shige: You didn't write them?
Ueda: I wrote them. I still say it was a waste of time. You know the BOSS already has objectives in mind for all of us. Having us write them ourselves is just a ploy to make us feel empowered.
Shige: ... Do you feel empowered?
Ueda: No. Mostly annoyed.

Kame: Where the heck is K8 anyway? They are going to be late.
Ueda: Oo! Oh! Oh! Maybe they will get fired and that big nose Osaka moron will be flipping burgers...
Maru: I really don't think Subaru-
Subaru: *poof, lands on Maru's lap* You rang Yuichi-kun?
Maru: ACCCCK!!! Get off! Get off!
The rest of K8: *poofs in*
Kame: It is about about time! We are going to be late for our reviews. You know how the BOSS HATES it when we are late.
Yoko and Subaru: *Nervous looks*
Shige: What? What? I don't like those looks.
Subaru: Yeah, about those reviews...

To be continued....


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 8th, 2010 01:52 am (UTC)
Plez dun say it just fake meme!!!
Poor Kame~ So tension~
Jun. 8th, 2010 01:57 am (UTC)
Ha ha!! I feel their pain. Performance reviews SUCK. I can't wait for part 2!
Jul. 15th, 2010 12:35 am (UTC)
I wish I could call a Code Plaid during pointless meetings.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )